Dark Horses

     To close out April we get our comic adaption on. Due to an extreme case of Viral Edgy we forgo the usual DC and Marvel route.
     The 90s never looked so... uh... 90s. Mega cult UK series 2000 AD's signature character hit the big screen with a whimper, a star who still to this day does not understand the property, and with such stink that it would ruin the 2012 good version years before it was even a thought bubble... the almost beautifully camp- Judge Dredd. I know you knew I was gonna say that.
     One of the most influential science fiction films of all time, a heady mix of social commentary on the consequence of technological advancement wrapped in themes of the nature of consciousness, the meaning of identity, and the imperative of leave some imprint of yourself on the future. A brain spinning, action heavy, cyberpunk noir- Ghost in the Shell.
     How much Spider-Man would Todd McFarlane draw if Todd McFarlane could draw Spider-Man again? All of it forever. But since he can't we got our third 90s comic book adaption this week. The world's greatest black ops assassin is betrayed by future President Josiah Bartlet, goes directly to Hell where he is recruited to lead Scooby-Doo's Army of the Damned, spat back to Earth for reasons that I  guess make as much sense as the Clown has for leaving him alone so much... anyway, it's Spawn.

     Last and most likely least- Frank Miller proves that you can never be TOO incompetent to totally butcher a classic work of staggering genius by urinating on the grave of Will Eisner and in the eye of Robert Rodriguez with The Spirit.
     All that and Craig suffers properly, Dave loses all hope, Tyler rolls in it, and Kevin winds up with bricks of cocoa. Join us, won't you?

Episode 151- Dark Horses

Foot Fetish (Or Get the Bruce Out)

     Anna returns with a vengeance of mighty musical fists against a bossly defense and the madness it awakens.
     A group of best friend forever orphans take down a drug ring. All while being very much anti-ninja, rocking out, teaching the true path of Taekwondo, and getting their beach based romance on. Can their friendship sever the Miami Connection?
     What do you get when you take an abusive hitman, a cult, his buddy's lost love, his wive, and a hunchback? Hint- it is not the next Disney animated classic. Behold the mystery box of Ben Wheatley's Kill List.
     Feel held back by your immigrant parents in 1980s England? Don't worry, salvation can be yours at the low low price of surrendering everything you are and will be at the alter of Springsteen. Javed is a talented young British-Pakistani Muslim who finds his voice in the voice of an American product of corporate greed and complete surrender of self while being Blinded by the Light.
     All that and Anna has a long list, Kevin takes some boudoir shots, Dave suffers greatly at the hands of youth, Craig vows revenge, and Tyler just doesn't get it. Join us, won't you?

Episode 150- Foot Fetish (Or Get the Bruce Out)

Alpha Jox

     In the distant nuclear decimated future the world is divided into the Western Market and the Eastern Confederation. All of humanity's international disputes are decided by one-on-one gladiatorial combat. The combatants are giant mechs piloted by the elite Robot Jox. When the Confederation's best pilot, who has killed his last nine opponents, and the Market's best pilot, who has won his last nine matches, finally clash some on is going to crash and burn.
     Based on a true story and told with a docudrama framing, an Alpha Dogdrug dealer decides to kidnap the young teenage brother of someone who owes him money. The boy takes to his captors as they keep him calm and happy in captivity through a two day party. Meanwhile, the captive's family struggles with his disappearance and the dealer's father tries to work out the best possible outcome for all involved.
     All that and Tyler makes Dave cry, Dave gets revenge, and Kevin pretends he didn't start it all in the first place. High drama everywhere over the digital seas as the quarantine continues. Join us, won't you?

Episode 149- Alpha Jox

Organic Ribald

     This week... A pair of cult comedies about friendship, how to save the environment, the art of clown, and destroying all things we hold dear.

     Pauly Shore brings the least Baldwin into a locked down eco facility, runs some generic gags, and shows us that William Atherton has better comic timing than both of them. Wonder is our hapless protagonists can save the Bio-Dome and how were they not smothered in their sleep at any point?
     A New Jersey clown has a bad idea to inflate his monthly nut and before he knows it is on the receiving end of a redneck trio's... uh... monthly nut. If that isn't enough, being ganged in a motel leads to all the sad clown's dreams coming true. Yeah. Kevin Smith's buddies made something that you might view as a little Vulgar.
     All that and Kevin takes a nap, Tyler awkwardly pops his sterile bubble, Dave decided to talk a social distance walk through an abandoned summer camp, Kieran plots further revenge, and one Craig to rule them all and in the darkness bind them.

Episode 148- Organic Ribald

Shocking Lady Farmers Run Amock (sic)

     A German grandmother comes to investigate the murder of her much younger sister, she is swept up in a web of violence, deceit, and celery seduction. A maybe FBI agent, maybe criminal syndicate assassin, definitely beige man-bear learns how to laugh and love. An emotionally damaged girl who will never mentally age passed five and hides a dark secret... sorta... don't expect a lot of sense in Lady Street Fighter.

     What do you get when you mix 9 parts Aliens with three parts Terminator and one part environmental messaging? Bruno Mattei's Shocking Dark (aka Aliens 2 aka Terminator 2 aka Contaminator aka Alienators aka something else I have no doubt).

     Cults, alien keys, rednecks, expanding blood, a glass coffin made of one strip of Plexiglas. Filmed over three weekends with at least one drinking buddy who does a fantastic James Mason impression and an impressive can-do attitude- Invasion of the Blood Farmers.
     Five American students get the trip of their short lifetimes to the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia. Unfortunately, there is a Horrible Horror Hag and a whole bunch of robed cultists are waiting for them as one is destined to become the virgin bride of Satan.      Teenage pettiness, birth marks, fairly impressive gore, and a really nice basement train set are all set to send you Beyond the Door III (aka Amock Train).
     A quad-barrel of Craig chosen cheese to the chest. Please enjoy, while we spend some times licking our wounds, won't you?

Episode 147- Shocking Lady Farmers Run Amock (sic)

Spartacus Slabbed

     This week it doesn't matter which route you choose, both lead to an express train of pain! CHOO CHOO, BABY!!!
     When a group of astronauts return from a 40 year mission in deep space they find the Earth is ruled mercilessly by alien overlords. These Mantis Masters culinary tastes run to only two flavors- nicely milled lumber and human heads. Will our deep space cadets stoke the embers of freedom lying in every human heart, will the terrible termites Alien Apocalypsebe inevitable? Doesn't matter, it made Tyler cry.

     A pair of teens find some very well maintained abandoned tunnels under a decently maintained abandoned hospital... which has an owner who seems content to do minor repairs and keep the electricity on which is very thoughtful. Waiting in the well lit and fairly clean space is the Deadgirl. Which they immediately rape. Will the boys be caught? Will anything actually semi rational happen in the run time? Doesn't matter, it made Dave weep.
     All that and Kevin flaunts his classy bunker, Dave fixes the holes in his slightly used hermetic tent with duct tape, and Tyler guards his new pandemic love doll from his dog. Join us, won't you?

Episode 145- Spartacus Slabbed

You Spinell Me Right Round

This week an accidental double dip of Spinell! That's almost one and one tenth more Spinell than can reasonably be handled! One more... SPINELL!!!!!
William Lustig's transition from porn to slasher! I know that's not a big leap according to some... What happens when you toss a serial killer, a bunch of mannequins, a beautiful photographer, and one of the best head shots in film history? Maniac- 88 sweaty, sticky, grimy, and still wonderful minutes that paved the way for Henry and many more.

Friedkin's New Hollywood swan song, the last of the gritty and mean 70s cinema, a final hurrah at the birth of what would evolve into modern Hollywood... a remake of Wages of Fear. Four men, all on the run and laying low in a sweltering South American backwater, are drafted to deliver two trucks full of old dynamite. One jolt could set off the sweating nitroglycerin needed to put out an oil fire 218 miles away. Does Sorcerer have the magic to make the trip?

All that AND Kevin hunted wild filmmakers at Frightfest, Tyler releases his pet Mandalorian back into the Disney World swamp, and Dave has no idea where he is or who any of you are and get the hell off his lawn. Join us, won't you?

Episode 145- You Spinell Me Right Round